Without a doubt, or perhaps a ( ) of a doubt, there are a few simple rules for defining yourself outside of a relationship, a.k.a. being single, and, at the same time, learning more about yourself:
1.) Stop giving a shit.
The best advice ever found and adhered to. What makes you think that you’d be better off in a relationship if you can’t be by yourself? Unless you believe in the erroneous adage that another person can help complete you. Certainly, if you live with a hole inside. Cement anyone?
No, the person you’re looking for is you, just in a better state. While you work on you, the hole becomes smaller and your need for other people diminishes.
Better yet, stop reading the shit on social media. It is rarely found that articles on this subject ever cover it in the depth to help you, though there are bits to help you navigate the relationship-adage spectrum.
2.) Start Talking to Yourself
Yes, this may seem crazy to your roommate, but talking to yourself through an ancient remedy that I just made up, to try and reason and challenge yourself and your thoughts is a way to openly prove answers to your own questions. In the meantime, you get to practice facing a mental health crisis using this technique.
In all honesty, I started this technique a few months ago and it’s extremely helpful. Sure, my siblings are concerned that I talk to the walls, BUT it’s a constructive conversation that helps me move through my own B.S. and truly understand the how and why of what is happening.
3.) Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not enough.
Or if you do, make sure there is a punching bag around and you’ve trained for a few months.
First, who in their right mind gets to decide that you are or not, good enough? Enough for what?
Second, which standard are they using? You should ask them that, because I have not yet seen a definitive statement on this subject matter. Show me the way.
The only people who get to say whether we are good enough (we are) or not, is us. The is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to improve ourselves, but making ourselves feel horrible in the face of comparison, is, well, horrible.
4.) Set non-negotiable values for yourself.
This step does require effort and self-growth, but, in the midst of finding yourself you must also put in the effort to set non-negotiable values for yourself that cannot be changed, no matter what; like I am good enough, I am worthy, I am doing my best, and stick to them.
This will give you a natural ‘upper’ when you start to dip down. And you will, that is life. Uppers and downers. Left and Right. Jumping in or jumping out.
So, set non-negotiable facets for yourself, period, and use them as often as possible.
5.) Surround yourself with good role models.
I don’t care if they are supermodels or mannequins, if they make you feel good about yourself, pay attention and stay by their side.
These people are the prize of life and will help you the most in your times of crisis, even the good times. They will invariably go through their own process multiple times in life, and you will be asked to help them, but that is a true friendship.
6.) Learn what you want in life, early on.
Pay attention early on to what and who makes you happy in your life. This list will shrink and morph in life, and some things will stay the same, but you will be completing a process of self-growth that many forget to do until a crisis forces them to.
Part of knowing what you want is negotiating through life, and what better way, other than talking to a wall, is keeping a track record for yourself through writing and observation.
Learn what you want, learn who you are, and ultimately, who you wish to be.
7.) Know the truth and stick to it.
Learn as long as it takes to know the truth; I mean unadulterated honest truth about life so that you are better prepared for its twists and turns.
Then, my advice is genuine~stick to the truth. Undoubtedly, there will be times where speaking the truth turns out to be detrimental, but standing up for what you know is right is one of the most honorable things you can do for yourself and others.
You add to humanity, you add to the evolution of humanity and it’s a collective consciousness.
8.) Learn it fast: The only constant in life is change. You’ve heard it before but you have to internalize is because the better you are prepared for change, the better you will be at dealing with life.
(Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash)
9.) Yes, sugar coat it!
Life is tough enough, you will learn this early on, so every opportunity that you get you should be kind, caring and gracious to yourself and others, and push the negative nellies aside who do not fit into your circle of positivism that, by now, has probably become a necessity more than a nice gesture.
10.) Create your own safe haven!
It only works if you create your own list, or method of staying positive, journalism, coloring, writing, it’s all up to you. Try not to box yourself in too much and give yourself the space you need to find YOUR SPACE that you can retreat into to, when life gets tough, or you just need to sit back, put your feet on the ground, and let it all out.
Anna Rozwadowska 2019